Why I Mother the Way I Do (Right Now)

I realize I have become very vocal about motherhood and my side of the story.  It is never intended to be offensive or hurtful.  It is never aimed at anyone specific.  I only do it because I know there are women out there who may have questions but are too scared to ask or don’t know who to ask.  I know my way is not the only way.  Shoot, my way changes frequently anyway.  I just want to relate my story on why I mother the way I do (as of today).

Let me start with the elephant in the room.  The opinion that has changed the most since my pre-mom days, even my pre-marriage days: breastfeeding.  I think to many friends and family I have become an outspoken advocate of breastfeeding.  There is a reason for this.  It can’t be summed up neatly but I can relate to an extent why I talk about it the way I do.  Here goes:

I knew before I was pregnant that I wanted to try breastfeeding.  I knew it was best for the baby because it was the most natural thing to give them, also it was free so big bonus.  When I became pregnant I thought it would be great if I could breastfeed for 6 months.  Then I started to read more about it and what babies need, my timeline changed to a year.  I knew by the time I was due I wanted to breastfeed for a year then try to wean.  That was my plan; including trying to pump so David and others could share in the bonding/feeding experience.

It is almost a phenomenon how quickly plans change once that baby comes.

Daniel would not latch in the hospital.  I loved my nurses but they were not experienced lactation consultants.  I kept asking for a specialist to come and help and they kept telling me that they were all trained to be LC’s.  I had a breakdown that my baby wouldn’t latch.  He was crying, I was crying, I was trying, he was bobbing around but breast did not meet mouth.  My mom was my advocate and asked for a nipple shield, she had gone through something similar.  He latched to the shield and my mind was eased a little.  I was producing colostrum and he was eating great through the shield.

Then the nurses come in telling me he has lost too much weight since birth.

I did not know at the time that this was NORMAL.  They told me to feed him formula through a small tube syringe while he is latched to the shield.  At the time I thought I was doing the best thing for my baby.  Now I was not hurting him by any means, but after gaining more knowledge, I will know that is not necessary for the next baby.  It is normal for babies to lose some weight from their first weigh in.  If a mother is breastfeeding and producing colostrum, the baby will lose some weight.  I am not a medical professional so I can not tell you how much is normal or safe.  I just wish I would have known that he didn’t need the formula.

He needed the shield for 2-3 months and it was SO annoying!  I tried and tried to get him to latch without the shield but he was so dependent and I was too tired to try for a long period of time.   Finally at about the 2 month mark I noticed that he could latch on my left side without the shield.  I took full advantage of that.  We practiced on that left side and used the shield now and then on my right.  About 2 weeks later we were shield free and I was so relieved.

That was not the end of my struggle because the infamous nursing strike came at 3-4 months.  This is when a lot of breastfeeding mothers give up.

You put them to your breast, they suck for a minute, then start screaming.  You pull them off and test yourself.  Yep, milk is there but why aren’t they eating?  Re-latch, continue screaming, repeat, repeat, repeat, start crying, get very frustrated, hand baby to his dad.  This happened at least once a day for a good month or so.  I almost gave up because I didn’t want to give up my sanity.  I was too stubborn and had invested too much time and knowledge to give up.  I had experienced women and support behind me telling me this was just a phase, he’ll get through it eventually.  He did… thank goodness.

After that it was SOOOO much easier.  I am so incredibly thankful that I stuck it out.  Even with the biting and the snotty noses, I am so glad.

Had I not had the knowledge and a large number of supportive people, I think I may have given up.  This is why I am so open with talking about it.  Women who want to breastfeed need to be aware of what it might be like.  They may have it great from the start with a baby that is good at latching, but they can go through other struggles like infections, engorgement, etc.  I just wish women had the support there and breastfeeding wasn’t such a taboo subject.

I can not speak for working moms who have to pump.  I give them so much credit for working through that.  The pump is not easy.

I can count the number of times I have nursed in public without a cover on one hand.  I don’t think its wrong, I’m just not experienced with it enough to be comfortable with it.  I consider myself lucky to have a baby that does not mind a nursing cover.  I have nursed so many times with that cover that he knows what is coming and is usually excited to see it.  I do get offended when I hear people telling someone to go in the bathroom, nurse before they go out, or “pump it out” before going into public.  I will never tell a nursing mom anything other than “great job, its not easy.”  I have seen women nurse without covers and never has it been a “whip it out for all to see” experience.

I have nursed at basketball games, at church, at restaurants, in the car, at a doctor’s office, and other places I’m sure I’ve forgotten.  I will not hide.  Breastfeeding needs to become more normalized with or without cover.

I count myself very very lucky for having such a supportive husband.  We are able to have fun with the whole experience.  He doesn’t feed Daniel bottles because the only time Daniel gets bottles is when we have dates.  Does he have a different bond with Daniel?  Yes.  Does he have less of a bond with Daniel? No.  Daddy is the fun one and Mommy is the comforting one.  Dad gets the best laughs and mom gets the best snuggles and we are both okay with that.

I don’t think formula is wrong but I do think that women need to be more educated and supported before they go into trying breastfeeding.  There are obviously extenuating circumstances that hinder a mother from breastfeeding and I can not judge that.  I only wish that it weren’t seen as something gross, private (which it is sometimes), or weird.  Food is food and I’d rather see some side boob, see a mother covering at a table, hear a baby slurping, than hear a baby crying.

I love breastfeeding and I’m not going to stop until Daniel shows me he is ready.  That doesn’t appear to be anytime soon.

I could go on but I will spare you.

My other topic for today will be sleeping.

I was given lots of sleeping advice.  Co-sleeping, cry it out, when babies should be able to sleep through the night, big babies sleep better, yada yada.

Guess what, I threw it all out the window!  Babies are their own people and they will do their own thing.

Daniel is a big baby and he sleeps like crap.  There I said it.  It has gotten loads better but he’s still not great.

He started in his own room which is literally about 5 steps out of my bedroom door, so no, we do not co-sleep, no he is not in the room with us, and that is just how it works for us.  He does make it into our bed at least once a day because he naps with me.  Sometimes I do bring him in with me at night when he wakes himself up and I know he doesn’t need to eat.

Baby sleep drives me batty.  Do what works for your baby!  Your baby will do great with some sort of method, but do not knock other methods moms may be trying.  We’re all trying to stay sane!  Do not have any expectations with baby sleep.  Chances are they will either not be met or be exceeded.  I had too many and they were not met and I was mad for a little while until I realized that Daniel will sleep, even if it means we have to help him.

There is no magic date that a baby will sleep.  There is no magic weight that a baby will sleep.  Putting rice cereal in with their food rarely helps.  Know this before you expect anything!!

Okay, I will be done.  These are my biggest issues that I will most likely not stop talking about until they no longer become an issue for me.  Ignore me if you must, but please do not get offended.  Roll your eyes, I give you full permission and I totally understand.  Please don’t rethink our friendship.  This is just who I am right now.

The end (for today).