I have started to get questions or hints regarding when the
next baby will come. I mostly
laugh it off or change the subject because to be completely honest I am
entirely not ready for another child.
Its not you, its me.
Daniel is a wonderful child. He is curious, loving, and is doing what he should be doing
at his age.
The hesitation lies with me. I’m still so very tired at times. I haven’t found my groove as a mother. I enjoy it being just the two of
us. I simply cannot handle another
tiny, needy human being for a little while.
There are many things that Daniel still needs to learn and
exhibit before I think I will be ready for the next one. I don’t mind taking time for him to
grasp new concepts by waiting longer for a new baby.
Motherhood is not
what I thought it would be
Comparing yourself to others is human nature and I am guilty
of it.
I am not that mom who has a cooked dinner every night. Sometimes its leftovers, sometimes it’s
a great meal, and sometimes I just don’t care enough so David makes dinner.
I struggle with letting go of my personal space. Daniel loves to force himself into my
personal space and I don’t always let him.
I don’t have wonderful activities on hand or planned
everyday, sometimes not even every other day. Pretty much everyday I wing it. We usually have a couple books we read, some dancing time,
and a walk. Maybe we’ll focus on
playing with balls one day but I really lack in motivation for new ways of
teaching and learning.
In these things I tend to feel like a bad mother. I do not feel like I’m doing enough for
Daniel. I’ve tried getting treated
for depression, tested for thyroid problems, taking a social media detox, and
ultimately just brainstorming what will help turn me around. I’m still waiting for my magic answer.
Not to mention there are a majority of days when I don’t
take a shower or change out of my pajamas. Luckily going to the gym more has forced me to change and
shower.
I keep waiting for
the next milestone
Daniel has always struggled with sleep. So I figured when he would start
sleeping better I would start feeling better. Well, the last three nights he as slept straight through
from 7:30-7:30 and had a decent hour and a half to two hour nap in the
afternoon. How do I feel? I’ve been sick so I’ve secluded myself
to the couch watching him play with his toys only getting up for snacks and nap
time. I’m still waiting for that
ability to be the poster mom while being exhausted at the same time.
Daniel does not have any coherent words besides “ya” and
“no”. I go through the day knowing
he is asking for something but having no idea what it is. Going through trial and error with a simple
question of what he wants next is exhausting and frustrating for me. Not only this but I blame myself
everyday for his lack of words.
It’s a vicious cycle. I’m
not doing enough for him- I try a few days- Lose motivation- he doesn’t pick up
a new word- its my fault- so on and so on.
Daniel is mischievous and he knows it. He LOVES getting into things he
shouldn’t be and when I catch him he throws it down and tries to play
cool. He knows he shouldn’t be
doing it but he does it anyway because he is just so curious. Most of the time I don’t mind but I
have no idea how to guide him to knowing how to control his impulses. There are times when I have raised my voice
and I always regret it. In these
moments I truly feel like I am not cut out to be a mother.
Daniel loves his mama
very much
He gets very jealous when I’m playing with other babies or
children. He will either beg for
me to hold him, physically move my head to look at him, or even get to the
point where he will nudge the other child out of the way.
He is my special boy and I like it being just the two of us
right now.
I think eventually I will come around to being okay with
having another human being to take care of. Right now my hands are full with trying to take care of
myself and Daniel that I can’t even fathom adding another into the mix.
This is not a response to anything specific. More it’s a response to future
questions I am bound to receive on the topic.
