I have started to get questions or hints regarding when the
next baby will come. I mostly
laugh it off or change the subject because to be completely honest I am
entirely not ready for another child.
Its not you, its me.
Daniel is a wonderful child. He is curious, loving, and is doing what he should be doing
at his age.
The hesitation lies with me. I’m still so very tired at times. I haven’t found my groove as a mother. I enjoy it being just the two of
us. I simply cannot handle another
tiny, needy human being for a little while.
There are many things that Daniel still needs to learn and
exhibit before I think I will be ready for the next one. I don’t mind taking time for him to
grasp new concepts by waiting longer for a new baby.
Motherhood is not
what I thought it would be
Comparing yourself to others is human nature and I am guilty
of it.
I am not that mom who has a cooked dinner every night. Sometimes its leftovers, sometimes it’s
a great meal, and sometimes I just don’t care enough so David makes dinner.
I struggle with letting go of my personal space. Daniel loves to force himself into my
personal space and I don’t always let him.
I don’t have wonderful activities on hand or planned
everyday, sometimes not even every other day. Pretty much everyday I wing it. We usually have a couple books we read, some dancing time,
and a walk. Maybe we’ll focus on
playing with balls one day but I really lack in motivation for new ways of
teaching and learning.
In these things I tend to feel like a bad mother. I do not feel like I’m doing enough for
Daniel. I’ve tried getting treated
for depression, tested for thyroid problems, taking a social media detox, and
ultimately just brainstorming what will help turn me around. I’m still waiting for my magic answer.
Not to mention there are a majority of days when I don’t
take a shower or change out of my pajamas. Luckily going to the gym more has forced me to change and
shower.
I keep waiting for
the next milestone
Daniel has always struggled with sleep. So I figured when he would start
sleeping better I would start feeling better. Well, the last three nights he as slept straight through
from 7:30-7:30 and had a decent hour and a half to two hour nap in the
afternoon. How do I feel? I’ve been sick so I’ve secluded myself
to the couch watching him play with his toys only getting up for snacks and nap
time. I’m still waiting for that
ability to be the poster mom while being exhausted at the same time.
Daniel does not have any coherent words besides “ya” and
“no”. I go through the day knowing
he is asking for something but having no idea what it is. Going through trial and error with a simple
question of what he wants next is exhausting and frustrating for me. Not only this but I blame myself
everyday for his lack of words.
It’s a vicious cycle. I’m
not doing enough for him- I try a few days- Lose motivation- he doesn’t pick up
a new word- its my fault- so on and so on.
Daniel is mischievous and he knows it. He LOVES getting into things he
shouldn’t be and when I catch him he throws it down and tries to play
cool. He knows he shouldn’t be
doing it but he does it anyway because he is just so curious. Most of the time I don’t mind but I
have no idea how to guide him to knowing how to control his impulses. There are times when I have raised my voice
and I always regret it. In these
moments I truly feel like I am not cut out to be a mother.
Daniel loves his mama
very much
He gets very jealous when I’m playing with other babies or
children. He will either beg for
me to hold him, physically move my head to look at him, or even get to the
point where he will nudge the other child out of the way.
He is my special boy and I like it being just the two of us
right now.
I think eventually I will come around to being okay with
having another human being to take care of. Right now my hands are full with trying to take care of
myself and Daniel that I can’t even fathom adding another into the mix.
This is not a response to anything specific. More it’s a response to future
questions I am bound to receive on the topic.
12 comments:
You want my thoughts? Or no? If no, then delete.
First, I feel these feelings all the time. I don't think you have to have every minute planned and do crafts and things. We see the best of each other on blogs and we don't see the piles of laundry, messes, dishes, and meals dad made (eggs and pancakes!) And you know what, you are perfect. You are doing exactly what you need. Don't for one second feel bad.
People look at me like I'm going to make an annoucement at any moment, when truthfully, the thought of another baby right now makes me sick. You will know when it's time, and so I have peace with that.
Take some fish oil, it has a natural anti-depressant. Take a good vitamin. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! You can't serve from an empty plate. Shower. Get dressed--even if you just change your clothes into something comfortable, DO NOT spend the day in your pj's. Put on a little bit of make up (even just mascara and lip gloss) YOU will feel so much better about yourself. Even if you aren't leaving the house, you will feel better. I promise. I've been there. Lots!
We all have felt these feelings, and still do. For crying out loud, can't my children sit on their dads lap during church?!?! I JUST NEED SOME SPACE!!
You are a wonderful mother. You are an amazing friend. You are doing a beautiful job and you are exactly what is needed. You are enough. Love you!
And keep working out! Maybe teach a class at the gym? I bet you would love it. I teach yoga once a week, make $17 an hour, went to one two-day training for it, and GET A FREE MEMBERSHIP. I love it!
You would be good at it!
Britta, you're a fabulous mommy and Daniel is so blessed to have you. You are the perfect mom for YOUR child--who cares about what anyone else does with theirs? When you're ready and the time is right for your entire family, baby Foster 2.0 will be equally blessed--with an awesome mom, and wonderful dad, and an amazing big brother. :) Love you friend!
You're amazing. It's so easy to focus on what we think we aren't doing right and then lose sight of the zillions of things we are doing right. (Story of my life) I'm proud of you for doing your best (which, let's face it, is pretty darned awesome)and wouldn't worry about obnoxious new baby hints. You're doing great, darling. The only thing I wish was different about you was that you lived closer, but that's something I could change, too ;) <3 <3 <3 Good luck, you're awesome, and I love you.
I am not cut out to be a mother either. I used to beat myself up for not loving it more. For not planning activities. (I hardly ever do) For raising my voice. For not being that patient, soft-spoken woman that Elder this or that talks about his mother being like. I kind of hate it at times. I kind of can't stand that I have to do it. And in the first four-ish years I spent lamenting that I never had that moment of "Oh my gosh. I am SO fulfilled with this divine calling as a mother!"
I was depressed. Depressed that everyone lied to me about how the good moments outweighed the bad. Depressed that this was my job. Depressed that I had to hear over and over and over at church how important my job was. I was willing to endure it if I could just FEEL differently. I just wanted to love it, you know? I wanted the groove.
Finally one day I went to this relief society activity (which I planned actually) and I had five sisters get up and tell the room what their talents were. This one gal said, "I didn't think I had any talents really, but then I got to thinking what I like to do. I just like to watch my kids. I get a lot of joy out of seeing what they do. I think that's my talent." See, it never occurred to me that enjoying motherhood could be a talent. That BEING a mother could be a talent. I finally started accepting that it WASN'T my talent. And that was okay. So I dove into my other talents. I expended the energy I had spent on my kids (grudgingly) for so long in exploring those talents.
I beat myself up about taking even more time to myself on occasion, yeah. But I kept doing it, determined that I was going to find my talents. And I did. And the most incredible thing happened. I started to love my kids more. I started to love mothering them more. I started to accept that my way wasn't wrong. I began to finally GET that what I could do was enough and that I wasn't going to ruin them. I confess at times before that I literally held a grudge against the time they stole from me because I never felt like I got a spiritual return on it. But I don't ever feel that way anymore. Finding the things that really DO put that pep in my step have made me a better mother simply because I'm happier and am more willing to sacrifice. I am SO okay with not being THAT mother now. In fact, I'll admit to you that we plan to have two more, (totalling 6!), and I don't actually look forward to it. I'm doing it to sacrifice. To serve. I know it's going to make me better because it already has. I love my kids and they have taught me hard lessons, but I was not born as a natural mother. Being one is a sacrifice for me through and through. But hard things, no matter what they are, can bring joy when you are okay that they are hard. Accepting that things don't have to be easy miraculously makes enduring them easier. Nurture yourself. It will make you the mother you want to be without you trying so hard. Sorry this is so long, but I just felt a lot of compassion and familiar feelings when you shared. Love your spirit, Britta!
I totally agree with Rachel--I have, on SO many occasions (or months or years!)--though consciously that I am NOT cut out to be a mother. I like my personal space. I like time alone to think and create and read and just do what *I* want to do. I sometimes (often) feel totally at a loss as to how to help or handle my kids in any given situation.
It's taken me this full five years of motherhood to start understanding that all these things are okay. And you know what? The "ideal" mom is different for each kid, so you don't have to be baking casseroles or making sensory boxes all the time. I started feeling guilty about all the things I *wasn't* doing (like, for example, I *hate* playing pretend!) and then I realized I had a great, fun, imaginative childhood, and my mom never did that stuff either. The things we did together were things she liked. So now instead of forcing myself to play "naptime" for the billionth time (and I don't actually get to nap, btw) I tickle them or draw a picture or read a book or dance around to silly music. Daniel is getting plenty of attention from you. And his job right now is just to play and observe. That's how they learn. You take them to the store or for a walk or let them play blocks. That's all they need.
I also agree with your first commenter--get dressed, do your makeup, and look cute for YOURSELF. You will have to force it some days. There are some days when Steve is gone from 5am until 9pm, so he leaves when I'm in PJs and gets home when I'm BACK in PJs. But I get dressed and put on earrings and do my makeup because it makes me feel happy and helps me be productive. And makes me feel human even on the days when I am sick/tired/depressed enough that my kids get cereal and bananas for dinner. ;) (Good thing kids love cereal!)
I guess the bottom line is this: you are enough. God gave you this child, and He knows better than anyone what your baby needs. Be gentle to yourself, and kind. Pray. Sleep. And give yourself time to learn that you're good and worthwhile and lovely. It won't happen overnight, but if you keep moving forward someday you will be able to see your own light.
Love you. xo
Sometimes I think it is even harder to be a Mom these days because we have all these different places to compare ourselves too. Pinterest, Facebook, mommy blogs, etc. It is just so much more present in our everyday lives and it is hard not to look at other moms and think I'm not doing enough or why don't I love doing this more. But remember this is just the parts of them they are willing to share. I am sure the majority of moms feel the way you do. I constantly wonder if I'm doing enough and feel guilty for wanting to do something for me instead. I worked up until a couple months ago so being a full time stay at home mom has been an adjustment for me. There are things I absolutely love about it but there are also things I don't. Just remember Daniel is loved so you are doing enough.
I hate that there is this pressure to have a more kids in a certain time frame. I started telling people I was done having kids so they wouldn't ask me anymore. :) more kids will happen when and if you are ready. There is no perfect time so don't let people's questions bother you. (I know, easier said then done).
My last thought is don't worry about the speaking thing so much. Not every kid develops the same skills at the same age. It is hard not to compare. Both my boys were late talkers (Liam didn't start talking much until he was 2 1/2-3), it runs in the family. That doesn't make them any less intelligent then other kids or mean that I didn't do enough to teach them. That is just the way they develop.
Thanks for being so honest... It is a good reminder that most of what we see online is only the best parts they want you to see. It makes for a very unrealistic view of motherhood. You are doing great!
My dear daughter - So many good points from the previous posts. When I got pregnant with your oldest brother, my dad was soooooo surprised that I ever became a mother because I hated babysitting. It did not come naturally to me, and I don't know of too many that it did.
There are 3 years and 2 1/2 years between my babies. The Lord knows I couldn't handle too many at a time. Give yourself time to totally enjoy Daniel.
Lars didn't talk until almost 2 when Leif and Bjorn wouldn't get him anything anymore until he asked for it - no more pointing. Just a thought.
Yes, change your clothes and a little makeup will help you to feel personally better. I don't see too many people during my days here in Fallbrook, but I still try to do some makeup, makes me feel, in case someone DOES come by, better about how I look to myself and others.
Love that you are exercising - that is YOU, walks are good. I didn't do all that sensory stuff with you guys = just let him explore = read to him, wrestle, play, dance. Have fun.
Love ya, Mom
I think it's great that you can be so honest about motherhood. I will not try to compare me taking care of orphan baboons with actual motherhood, but I find it equally frustrating to not know what they are saying or wanting, how to do xyz, or even how to change a diaper without the monkey high tailing it up a curtain covered in poop, etc. It's hard, always. They never stop moving and they never stop challenging you, but I suppose what makes it worth it is he looks to you for love. Even if you don't see results right away, you will see things down the line getting better. Also, you may not feel like you have enough for him to do, but imagination is a powerful tool. Giving someone the ability to make something out of very little is a true gift.
If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I'm a mess without exercise. Keep on that. Personal space and time keeps any person sane, so never feel bad about that.
Hi Britta, I read your post this morning and have been thinking about it all day. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I did not enjoy the baby years very much; they were very difficult for me, and I felt very guilty for it. Now that my kids are older I enjoy mothering them much more. I get more sleep, I can tell them to go clean their room and they will 'mostly' do it, I get more personal time, and we have good conversations with each other. It's a whole different dynamic as they get older. My kids are all spaced 3 years apart and even then the last two were 'unplanned'. Even though we are adopting another child, there is a reason that she is older; I am just done with babies! They're cute and adorable and I can't wait until I'm a grandmother (ok, not too soon please) but I don't want to raise another baby. Does that make me a bad mom? I thought so when I was going through it but now that they're older I feel like I'm a great mom! Not perfect, but pretty darn good! Some people enjoy the baby years more than others and that's OK. Space your kids as far as you need to and don't let other people (or yourself) guilt you into something you're not ready for.
About the speech, this is frustrating but it's not your fault! Some kids just talk later and it has nothing to do with not 'teaching' them to talk. Two of mine were late talkers and it was hard to deal with the pointing, guessing, twenty questions, etc. Take advantage of any Early Intervention programs that might be in your area. They are usually free! For Zachary we had a speech therapist coming to the house once a week until he turned 3. She would play games with him and he loved it. Having someone else come in and work on speech I think is a lot more effective than trying to turn yourself into a speech therapist. You just need to be his mom. Zachary is still in speech therapy in 4th grade; he's still working on those pesky r's. We have no idea why he's had a hard time with speech but he just needed some more time than other kids and that's OK too.
You're doing fine! Our own worst enemy is that little voice in our head telling us that we 'should' do this or 'should' be like that. I'm still working on mostly the same 'should do's' that I was working on 20 years ago and nothing terrible has happened yet! (Knock on wood.)
I hope your days become brighter soon! I think it's great that you are willing to talk about it though because so many women suffer in silence and think that there is something wrong with them. Lot's of women feel this way! You have many friends and family who love you and support you. I love the messages of encouragement that you've been given. They are heartfelt and someday you will be giving these same words of encouragement to someone else.
Totally agree!!! Britta is doing the best she can and I agree with everything you said here.
What's the rush to have another? You are doing great Britta!
This is my advice,take it or leave it:
Take care of yourself first!
I do what I can everyday to get in a workout really early and then take a shower even while my kids may or may not be awake.
But, I workout, shower and do my makeup and it makes me feel amazing, because then I feel like I can be a better mom, because I FEEL good. So....that means my kids are running around in Jammie's until sometimes 10am.
But, who cares?? All they need to know is that they are happy....
And trust me, I've yelled, raised my voice, pounded a fist on a table when I've lost my patience.
It's called motherhood! It's okay!
You are a great mother and just keep it up! Daniel loves you so much!
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