My honest thoughts on baby #2

I have started to get questions or hints regarding when the next baby will come.  I mostly laugh it off or change the subject because to be completely honest I am entirely not ready for another child.

Its not you, its me.

Daniel is a wonderful child.  He is curious, loving, and is doing what he should be doing at his age.

The hesitation lies with me.  I’m still so very tired at times.  I haven’t found my groove as a mother.  I enjoy it being just the two of us.  I simply cannot handle another tiny, needy human being for a little while.

There are many things that Daniel still needs to learn and exhibit before I think I will be ready for the next one.  I don’t mind taking time for him to grasp new concepts by waiting longer for a new baby.

Motherhood is not what I thought it would be

Comparing yourself to others is human nature and I am guilty of it. 

I am not that mom who has a cooked dinner every night.  Sometimes its leftovers, sometimes it’s a great meal, and sometimes I just don’t care enough so David makes dinner.

I struggle with letting go of my personal space.  Daniel loves to force himself into my personal space and I don’t always let him.

I don’t have wonderful activities on hand or planned everyday, sometimes not even every other day.  Pretty much everyday I wing it.  We usually have a couple books we read, some dancing time, and a walk.  Maybe we’ll focus on playing with balls one day but I really lack in motivation for new ways of teaching and learning.

In these things I tend to feel like a bad mother.  I do not feel like I’m doing enough for Daniel.  I’ve tried getting treated for depression, tested for thyroid problems, taking a social media detox, and ultimately just brainstorming what will help turn me around.  I’m still waiting for my magic answer.

Not to mention there are a majority of days when I don’t take a shower or change out of my pajamas.  Luckily going to the gym more has forced me to change and shower.

I keep waiting for the next milestone

Daniel has always struggled with sleep.  So I figured when he would start sleeping better I would start feeling better.  Well, the last three nights he as slept straight through from 7:30-7:30 and had a decent hour and a half to two hour nap in the afternoon.  How do I feel?  I’ve been sick so I’ve secluded myself to the couch watching him play with his toys only getting up for snacks and nap time.  I’m still waiting for that ability to be the poster mom while being exhausted at the same time.

Daniel does not have any coherent words besides “ya” and “no”.  I go through the day knowing he is asking for something but having no idea what it is.  Going through trial and error with a simple question of what he wants next is exhausting and frustrating for me.  Not only this but I blame myself everyday for his lack of words.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I’m not doing enough for him- I try a few days- Lose motivation- he doesn’t pick up a new word- its my fault- so on and so on.

Daniel is mischievous and he knows it.  He LOVES getting into things he shouldn’t be and when I catch him he throws it down and tries to play cool.  He knows he shouldn’t be doing it but he does it anyway because he is just so curious.  Most of the time I don’t mind but I have no idea how to guide him to knowing how to control his impulses.  There are times when I have raised my voice and I always regret it.  In these moments I truly feel like I am not cut out to be a mother.

Daniel loves his mama very much

He gets very jealous when I’m playing with other babies or children.  He will either beg for me to hold him, physically move my head to look at him, or even get to the point where he will nudge the other child out of the way.

He is my special boy and I like it being just the two of us right now.

I think eventually I will come around to being okay with having another human being to take care of.  Right now my hands are full with trying to take care of myself and Daniel that I can’t even fathom adding another into the mix.

This is not a response to anything specific.  More it’s a response to future questions I am bound to receive on the topic. 

What You Probably Don't Understand About My Activism

It is National Breastfeeding Awareness month!  I was so excited for August to roll around because we get to celebrate something that has become so very dear to me.  I did my research to find out otherwise lesser known facts about the topic and was so excited to post a fun fact everyday.  It really is eye opening to see just the complexities that goes into a woman’s body.  I can’t understand the full extent of it but God really had a plan and intelligence.

Now before you get offended, because I know some of you are, I do not mean to say that God intended children to starve because there is the 3-4% of women that cannot breastfeed, that women should all be able to get pregnant.  Goodness sakes, no!  We have options now; viable options for those that are otherwise unable to.

I do appreciate the “I Support You” movement.  It is necessary.  I do support you!  My only negative feeling about it is that I do feel it undermines the celebration of this month.  All women should be celebrated for doing their best.  This month is specifically dedicated to breastfeeding and bringing awareness to how complex, difficult, wonderful, life giving, expansive, and how in need breastfeeding women are of support.  By supporting breastfeeding and pointing out the benefits of it, I am not insulting formula feeding.  This seems to be a never-ending opinion.  That by somehow pointing out the benefits of breastfeeding I am somehow pointing out the flaws of formula feeding.  Not true!

The mothers I know are all wonderful.  They all do their very best for their children.  They do not all breastfeed but that is not what makes them wonderful mothers.  What makes them wonderful mothers is researching and taking what knowledge they find and doing their best to apply it.  We can not, for the most part, change what our bodies allow us to do.  We have to do our best with what we are given.

I aim to support mothers that breastfeed.  To let them know they do not have to feel alone, sequestered, or ashamed.  I want to educate future mothers that do wish to breastfeed.  That there are numerous benefits, it is difficult, you will need help, that it is a learned skill.  This does not mean that I think those that chose the alternative are not equally great mothers. 

There is a lot of misinformation out there concerning breastfeeding.  It has become such a political topic that even medical professionals are starting to become politically correct about how they discuss it.  Science does not worry about offending, only people do.

If supporting breastfeeding mothers and nursing in public makes me a feminist, great!  Feminism doesn’t have to mean I am an angry, crotchety, Godless woman that does not need a man.  It means that I stand up for women that are otherwise being discriminated against for their choices when that choice happens to be a wonderful one.  I absolutely need and love my husband.  I wouldn’t be the woman or mother I am today without his support.

I do feel like I have lost the support of close friends and family.  I am affected by it, but I can not let it change my goal.  I do feel like I am working towards a positive change, a difference that needs to be made.  I won’t stop.  Unfortunately that will mean the loss of others, but it will mean I will gain support from others that agree with me.  It is my fault for picking a topic that happens to be controversial.  It is their fault for looking past the whole of me to be offended and uncomfortable by a part of what I do.  I’m not going to apologize for following my heart and my spirit.

I hope I have explained to those that have become offended or uncomfortable my views.  I’m sure some will not even bother to read this because it mentions the word “breastfeeding” in the first sentence and will likely be followed by some sort of “here she goes again” thought.  I do not feel I need to explain myself, but it is out of love and a hopeful mutual understanding that I do it.  I don’t want my family and friends to lose out on seeing my wonderful son grow up or my amazing husband realize his goals because they cannot get past my activism.

My passion comes from my heart and my spirit.  Is a fire that has started and will not be stopped.  I can promise you this.

The August Family Update

Here is a little update on the Fosters.  Things are definitely complicated right now.  Our plan and Heavenly Father’s plan definitely isn’t the same but we’re doing our best to align them.

Daniel is still doing as great as ever.  He is learning and growing perfectly.  He has finally gotten the hang of one long nap.  He still wakes up once at night to nurse but I’m so used to it now that I can handle it.  He has gotten into being very independent when it comes to eating.  Sometimes he won’t even try something until I hand him a fork and spoon.  He is a great climber, is still wildly obsessed with anything that resembles a ball, and loves to swim.  He is very loving and thoughtful for a boy just barely 15 months.  He is incredibly active and has a mind of his own which can make church interesting.  Is it really 3 more months until nursery??  He is very observant and does great at mimicking.  That is where he learns the most.  We sure do love this wonderful son we have!

David was given the green light to get back into basketball shape awhile back so we are still working on pursuing his goal of playing professional ball for a little while.  It has been a slower process than we hoped, but we are trucking along.  We were hoping to have an idea of our future plans by the end of this month but that is not possible anymore.  After discussing his ideas and plans with someone who recently finished his professional basketball career our plans have changed.  We are now going to take as long as needed for David to be fully prepared to try out for teams.  This means we will be staying in SLC because he has vast amounts of resources here.  While the resources are our goal, this is not as easy as it sounds.  Currently David has a part time job and I am being phased out of my part time job.  We can no longer afford our apartment since rent has gone up significantly when our contract ended and we are now paying month to month.  We are currently asking many around us if they know of anyone with a basement apartment, someone with a vacant house, an older couple going on a mission, SOMETHING that will help us cut on expenses so we can follow this dream.  It has been a hard realization for us but we have many that would like to help and after discussing it with a few people and David, we are hopeful something will arise.  I am ready for some stability and fun, adversity has been my longtime companion these last two years.  So world, if you would like to join in on the cause, we would love some help finding some temporary housing for this small (in numbers) family of ours.  We are hoping to know by November what the next step is so the housing would probably be needed until November or December.

Now me.  I have been struggling a lot with our current predicament but David and I are very good at discussing our concerns with each other.  He has helped me realize that we are doing our best in every other aspect so we can only do our best in this and see what happens.  We can not allow ourselves to get ahead of the situation.  When he comes home with new ideas and plans after discussing it with coaches and supporters I only get more motivated that something will eventually happen.  Even if it means our faith will be tried even more.  Of course I have terrible days when I have to cry for a little about it all.  What we are going through is not ideal.  We are using our savings to pay everything else but rent.  This includes COBRA for me, car payments, school loan payments, food, utilities, and the now rare occurrence when we like to indulge ourselves with a meal out or a dollar movie.  I have to admit that I am not good at being poor and managing situations like this.  I don’t want to worry about getting my favorite pizza from Whole Foods or my favorite burrito from Chipotle, but I DO worry.  Luckily Daniel is such a light in my life that I do end up finding myself smiling a lot during the day.  He doesn’t care if he’s walking around with only a diaper on all day because I forgot to do his laundry again.  He doesn’t care that my hair is in a ponytail pretty much everyday.  He doesn’t care that his summertime fun isn’t the water park, it’s the park across the street.  I have to view myself through his eyes when I have terrible days.  To him I am the world.  I am his comfort, food, love, learning, fun, and he isn’t complaining so why should I?

I am definitely not the best at it and I have had some ugly cry days but today I am hopeful.  I have the love and support of the two most important people in my life.  We work through things together.  We will get through this even if it means a few more grey hairs for me.  We have a wonderful ward that is concerned for us, friends and supporters that want to help us follow our dream, family that have reached out to help us in whatever way we let them know we need.  We will get through this!  Then hopefully when we do and Europe is our future then I will have lots of lovely adventures and pictures to post about.

If you would like to help or would just love to send your support, we would really appreciate it.   

Sleep!

Pretty ironic that I was planning on writing this today then right as I sit down Daniel starts protesting his nap.

Sleep has finally gotten better!  It only took 14 months.  We are still at 2 naps a day, one of which I hold him, but that time he is in the crib is usually about 1.5 hours.  Me time!!

Nights are improving A LOT.  We were at a consistent schedule where he would go down at 8, wake up at 4am to eat, go back down until 8.  We are better, even though there is still some work to do.  Now he goes down at 8, tries to open the door for 20 minutes, then falls asleep and usually doesn't wake up until 6:30am.  The problem here is he won't go back to sleep after 6:30.  So right now we're working on trying to get him down earlier so he can get closer to 10 hours or he will get super cranky at about 8:30.

We will get the hang of it eventually!

Sleeping pictures:

Normalizing Breastfeeding

I have already posted a few times about my views on breastfeeding so I'll try to make this one short.

After thinking about why I'm so passionate about the subject, I have come up with a few reasons but the following is probably the biggest: I'm good at it.  There are so many things involved in being a wife and mother and I will readily admit that I am not good at many things that others are pros at.  Breastfeeding is one area that I feel like I am doing 100% right.  That makes me incredibly proud of my relationship with Daniel.

If you read my previous post(s) about my struggles with breastfeeding you know this was not an easy journey for us at first.  4 very trying months passed before I was able to get in a groove.  I'm so glad we pushed through together.

For that reason I love to help other women prepare and get through the rough times.

I also find it necessary to make sure mothers are not shamed for nursing in public (NIP).  Our society has become way too sexual that individuals are no longer capable of compartmentalizing the nourishing act of breastfeeding from some form of nudity.  It is absolutely possible!  To go on without being too revealing, David has been able to do an excellent job at it.  Our relationship is so strong because he supports my goals with breastfeeding without wondering when its going to stop because there is a relationship we have outside of breastfeeding that keeps both of us very happy.

I no longer NIP with a cover.  First of all its summer and I'm not about to put Daniel under more layers when he doesn't need to be.  Second, I do believe that more people need to see it in order to be more comfortable with it.  It is not something immoral, immodest, gross, etc that needs to be hidden.  It is entirely possible to do it without flashing everyone.

So I challenge you to look past what you might see as something immodest or along the lines of nudity and realize just what is really going on.  It is simply a mother feeding a child and she is being a great mother by doing so.

Can someone honestly think these photos are bad?

1 year old!

I guess its about time I caught up.  Daniel will be waking up soon so I'll see how much I can get in.

Sorry for skipping 11 months, it wasn't much different from 10.  Here are some pictures

We had a joint birthday/graduation party for Daniel and David.  It was great!  Daniel didn't know what to do with the cake at first, but he really liked the frosting.  Maybe it was because I fed him a little before so he would have some good stuff in his tummy before going to town on all that sugar that he's never had.

Inspecting

Enjoying

Sharing

Pretty typical face for Daniel

And now for his actual birthday.  We went to the zoo!  It will be fun for him as he gets older but he still had a great time checking things out.
We kept taking him in and out of the stroller so he could be closer to the glass to check things out.  He must have gotten something in his eye one of the times that he fell down and rubbed his eye because the whole left side of his face started getting blotchy and swollen.  I was freaking out!  It was almost nap time so I just took him into the nursing room at the zoo, fed him, put some breast milk in his eye to wash whatever it was out, and took him home.  When we got home I held him for his nap.  He looked much better when he woke up.

we got him a bubble maker as a bath toy

down for the count

12 month info:
He is a great walker... he is very close to running
So very strong!  He loves to pick heavy things up and carry them around.
Still wakes up 1-2 times at night, especially since more teeth are coming in.
Getting better at eating what we eat
Still takes 2 naps, the first he takes in his crib for usually 1hr30min.  The second is in my arms and it usually around 30-45 minutes.
No longer prone to constipation... yay!!
Still nursing 5 times a day.  So no weaning in sight.
Comprehends a lot even though he doesn't say much other than dadadadadadadada
He gives the best hugs!
Starting to wave
He is such a people person.  He is so social.
He is so long and tall that almost nothing is out of reach for him anymore.  Its hard to baby proof a giant toddler.
He has 6 teeth, with 4 coming in right now.  2 molars and 2 bottom teeth.


 At his pediatricians appointment they weighed him in at 29lbs 6 oz and 33 inches.  That means he grew exactly 20 lbs and 10 inches from birth.  He is off the charts in both.  The dr asked about his vocabulary.  He doesn't really say many words, but he comprehends a decent amount.

 And here are some photos for recap from the last few months

Easter photos-- No shoes... his feet are so fat we can't find any good shoes that aren't expensive

First face plant

New project

starting to look more like David

Tracking my progress

Trying a mohawk

David graduated

Lots of trips to the farmers market

Met the triplets

Saw daddy play

Loved on doggies

Peed on mommy

Love those lips

Went swimming outside and got some freckles

His 1st experience at Yogurt Land

First marshmallow

Favorite thing to do on walks

Slobbery kisses

Spiderman!

Splash pad

So much fun!

What a handsome boy

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 Lots of things to do and decisions to be made in the next few months.  Wish us luck!!