Our Healing Birth

This journey really began after Daniel was born. After having what I thought was a relatively normal delivery I soon learned that I actually got the short end of the stick. I slowly started my journey towards my healing birth after realizing it didn’t have to be the way it turned out. The hospital experience and the recovery were hard but I kept telling myself that it was normal. Here is a synopsis of the things that happened that I believe could and/or should have been avoided:

1. Induction because I was dilated enough and on my due date- this started it all. My OB was the doc in the hospital that night and wanted to deliver my baby. I was at 4cm dilated so that was enough to have me admitted to the hospital. I wish I had known better and that the doc would have also. I never got to experience a natural contraction. Which led to…

2. Pitocin = super strong contractions that didn’t really work. Which led to…

3.  Water being forcibly broken. This isn’t always a bad thing but in my case it was only done because I wasn’t progressing fast enough for my doc. This also made my contractions so strong that I could not breathe through them. Which led to…

4. Epidural. I didn’t set out wanting one because I wanted to be in control. Well, even though the anesthesiologist was very talented and did it perfectly, I lost complete control of my legs. Which led to…

5.  Not being able to move from the bed. I wanted to try different positions. Even though I did not know enough to say no to the induction, I knew that changing positions would help.

6. The epidural also led to me not having any way of knowing when I was contracting and when it was time to push. I had to be told when to push.

7. 2 episiotomies. Ouch.

8. No immediate skin to skin

9. Breathing problems for Daniel

10. Nursing problems

11. Not fitting in my hospital bed (too tall) for an entire day. I had to sit cross-legged which is terrible anyway but especially so because of the episiotomies

12. Having to take Percocet for recovery which is known to cause constipation- something that is already a problem after birth without the extra binding

13. Traumatic first post partum bowel movement

14. Chronic hemorrhoids

Is it any wonder that I wanted things different the next time?

I can’t tell you when I really decided that I wanted a home birth for my next one. It was a slow and steady change of heart. David joined me along the way on his own journey and soon we found out that we were pregnant. Then miscarried. Then pregnant immediately again. We knew this would be our chance to change our hearts and minds towards what birth could actually be.

The pregnancy was not without its drama. We found out the day before David left for Qatar. He came back and we met a midwife in Fallbrook (provider #1) who excited us about wonderful and changing this experience could be. We moved to Tehachapi (provider #2). Moved to Louisville (provider #3). Moved back to Tehachapi and found a closer midwife here (provider #4) while still keeping in contact with the midwife in Fallbrook.

After a lot of back and forth between midwives around Tehachapi and the Fallbrook midwife we finally came to the decision that the Fallbrook midwife would be the primary if she was able to make it in time (3 hour drive) and I would have my prenatals with the Bakersfield midwife. David and I both really bonded with the Fallbrook midwife so we were very hesitant to let her go, plus she offered to drive the distance to birth this baby because she knew how much it meant to us.

The last few weeks of pregnancy were particularly uncomfortable for my body. Yes, I was measuring noticeably smaller this pregnancy than with Daniel but that did not really lessen the discomfort I had. I couldn’t sleep, I was limping some days because my hips were so out of whack, and I had lost complete control of my bladder (luckily I had to pee so often that if I did have an accident it was usually not very much). Tuesday night I told my husband it was time to get things moving, time for some work in the bedroom. Well, not sure if that was what did it or not but…

5:00 am I start feeling some mild cramping, like period cramps but not hard enough to fully wake me up.

6:15 am I am awake and the cramps are getting strong enough to keep me awake, plus Daniel just woke up so he’s going to crawl into bed with me to put on a show while I rest.

6:30am David leaves for work

6:40am I have to take my phone back from him because these cramps are starting to curl my toes so I’m pretty sure this is it (remember I never got to feel a natural contraction so I was going in somewhat blind to this). Its time to call my midwife.

6:55am My midwife agrees this is probably the real thing and asks me to time them

7:10 Call David back home from work

7:15am Update my midwife. She is going to start getting packed up and ready to go with her assistant

7:16am Call my mom

7:20 go downstairs to eat an apple and turn a show on for Daniel while I labor on the couch

8:00am David gets home from work

8:15am Midwife and assistant are on the road

8:20 Water breaks. “David!! I think my water just broke!”

8:23 Call the midwife to say water just broke. Midwife tells David to call the Bakersfield midwife

And the fun begins!

We could not get a hold of the Bakersfield midwife and it takes an hour from her house to get to ours. Her voice message said to contact her back up midwife. She had just had a baby so she didn’t answer either. David calls the Bakersfield midwife back and leaves a message that my water had broken. I think the worry in his voice really got her attention because she got back to us fairly quickly after that. Her phone had been left in the other room. She quickly got a baby sitter for her kids and rushed out the door.

David also called his mom at this point to get Daniel but didn’t actually mention that my water had just broken and I was in labor. All he said was that I wasn’t feeling well. Ha, understatement.

Meanwhile…

I was sitting on the toilet letting more water come out along with the mucous when the contractions started to get so strong that I just wanted to get back into bed and lie down. David and I went upstairs, laid down the drop cloth {contraction… breathing…}, put the spare sheet over the top, put down the bed pads and I climbed up as best I could. I sat there on the pads in the fetal position facing the window and the clock. The contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart at this point and I was starting to groan through each one. Daniel was on the window side of the bed watching me saying “Mommy goes (grunt grunt).” Yes, sweetheart, mommy definitely was.

During all this Daniel got diarrhea and it got on the carpet. David had to leave me to clean him up. I could smell it from my room, it was terrible. After he got cleaned up, David took him downstairs to put a show on to hopefully keep him company until David’s mom came. I would say its about 9:00 at this point. She had run some errands on the way here because she didn’t know I was in labor, she just thought I wanted a day off to rest. Details, David! Luckily she brought David’s younger siblings with her so they were able to play with Daniel downstairs so she could stay upstairs in our room and help support David through my contractions.

We’re calling the Bakersfield midwife about every 5-10 minutes. Where are you now??

I’m still on my side in fetal position, now with a bucket within arms reach because I threw up once and it felt like I would have more. Soon the contractions were so strong that my body started pushing. Crap, its about 9:15, I can feel the pressure from the head when I contract and the midwife is about halfway here. David starts to get a little more anxious that he’s going to have to deliver this baby. I tell him I can’t move and everything will be okay, just give me more counter-pressure on my hips and keep rubbing my feet.

Soon these contractions are about a minute apart and they are so wildly intense that all I was saying at this point was “I just want a ten minute break!” My guttural moans were starting to get pretty loud that David was worried but I told him it was helping. I started to shake and cry. With each contraction I would feel how close the head was and pull away the bloody mucous. David’s mom kept telling both of us we were doing great while she was in and out of the room taking care of the kiddos. At about 9:35 we were told by the midwife that she was exiting the highway. David’s mom stayed outside to make sure she didn’t have to find which apartment was ours since she had never been here.

At 9:45 she rushes upstairs and asks for gloves. Uh… our other midwife didn’t ask us to get any. She searches through her kit and finds a pair. She comes over to me and tells me I need to sit up and open up my hips or the baby will not come out. I don’t want to move but if its going to get this baby out then I’m doing it.  I lean up against the backboard of the bed and try to relax my hips into the right posture but it is so hard. The contractions were right on top of each other. I’m finally able to let my hips sink down. With the next contraction she tells me that I should be delivering the head with the contraction that follows. I still just wanted a break at this point. We got through that contraction and I tried to prepare myself for the next contraction, which soon followed. I gave my best groan when the next one started and focused on that head coming out. The midwife used some olive oil to help with the stretching. The next contraction started and as it was going I thought for sure his head would not be coming out, why was this taking so long, this is such a unique and indescribable feeling, then poof his head was out then the body and every negative feeling or pain was instantly gone. Sweet relief spilled over me and all I felt was complete joy and connection.

We put him straight to my chest with a towel over him and that’s where he stayed for the next two hours. He was perfect. The morning, with all its drama, was perfect. I have the entire day to rest with this perfect new thing.

Had I not stayed on my side with my knees together that long I probably would have birthed the baby without the midwife. But I’m so glad she came when she did. In a way I was grateful for how much the process was in my hands. I was in control. What a whirlwind of a morning that was and one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things I have done to date.

I did have a tear on one of my episiotomy lines and a very minor tear but everything turned out marvelously. I haven’t needed any pain killers. I have the typical recovery symptoms with a vaginal birth but I’m so thankful that this time should be a significantly shorter recovery besides the tear.

Daniel was a little scared of coming into our room after the baby was born. The transition was difficult for him the day it happened but he has done a wonderful job with mommy having to stay in bed and hold a different baby. One of the first things he said after the baby came was “I share mommy now.” He loves to hold his little brother and give him kisses. I love my Daniel.

I am so thankful that I got to experience everything about birth this time. I know what my body does and I know what my mind does. I can do hard things. I do feel like I got the chance to heal and I’m so glad we were given it.

Now I get to stare at my super cute little boy and remember all the preparation that went in to bringing him here safely and in a way that we could (mostly) control and experience positively. He is just perfect and hitting every milestone that he needs to each day to show how healthy he is.

David told me he would be just fine having a home birth again, but if we do then we will definitely have to notify the midwife sooner and/or live in a place where the closest midwife is less than an hour away. I’m just so glad that he was able to be the anchor that I needed in preparation and during labor. He is always so good at buoying me up when I need it most. We do it for each other. I’m just so happy with our sweet experience even with the ups and downs.

We're Not There Anymore

What a year this has been so far! I can't say that I've enjoyed a lot of it but it has definitely been quite the family learning experience. In my last update you saw that David was heading overseas and we just found out that I'm pregnant. Considering that was 7 months ago and things have changed quite a bit. I've been receiving a lot of questions about where we are now. I don't blame anyone- we were moving around A LOT.
I'm going to try to do a condensed version of where we have been. This pregnancy has also made things very interesting and hasn't stopped yet.

Februrary- David leaves for Qatar and my mom comes out to SLC to help me move out of the rental house and into storage then to her house in Fallbrook until Daniel and I can join David.
2 weeks later after a lot of prayer and deliberation David decides that professional basketball isn't for him and its time to come home and move on for good (the business of professional basketball made him very uncomfortable). We never went to Qatar to meet up with him.
David gets home and we have NO idea what to do now. We thought this job would be until May and would give us the ability to save up a decent amount to have some wiggle room before figuring out what is next. After all of our expenses he basically makes it home with about $500.
Morning sickness kicking my butt. When David got home we met with a midwife to talk about home birth. We got very excited about the ability to have a healing birth.

March- David is persuaded to try substitute teaching. We move from Fallbrook to Tehachapi to live with his parents while he figures out what he wants to do.
Morning sickness still kicking my butt. I'm on the couch most days while the Fosters help keep Daniel entertained. 

April- Still in Tehachapi. David decides he wants to try selling for Vivint in their summer sales group. We prepare to head out at the beginning of May to Louisville, KY for this.
Still battling terrible morning sickness. First appointment goes well. Everything looks great! Set up an appointment with a midwife group in Louisville to get my prenatal appointments while there.

May- Finish up substitute teaching. Celebrate Daniel's 2nd birthday. The next day (our 4th Anniversary) we get in the car and start driving to Kentucky. We stay in St George for our first stop and celebrate our anniversary with Daniel at Cracker Barrel. The next day we head out to Colorado Springs to stay with friends there. The next day we head to St Louis to stay with family there. Mothers day we go to church with family then make the final leg to Louisville. The next day David starts selling.
Initial appointment with the midwife group is great. They love all my stats. It was funny, they got so excited about my blood pressure and iron levels.

June- David is selling and its really difficult for him. I'm enjoying my time with the other ladies in the group. We go to the gym together, to the park, to local activities (if we can find a discount). I'm making some great friends. We got some free passes to local attractions through the library and tried to go to as many as possible.
Found out that we're having another BOY and everything looks good. I do need a follow up ultrasound to check on the placement of the placenta and the umbilical cord. I'm keeping in contact with a midwife in Salt Lake thinking that is where we are going to be when we're done in Kentucky.

July- David is really struggling with selling and we're not getting much income weekly to survive so we're basically living off of our WIC food and savings. We go to the temple and David gets a strong impression that his future is in coaching. Its hard for him to focus after this but in order for the summer to be worth it he has to finish out July. He commits to being a high school teacher in Rosamond to get into coaching.
I'm doing fine. Morning sickness is gone. I'm staying really active at the gym. Trying to keep things normal. Having a hard time finding a midwife in the Lancaster area that is in our price range and is good at billing insurance.

August- We drive back to Tehachapi with stops in the same cities that we hit on the way out. We stop in Mesquite, NV to pick up our stuff in storage. We start looking for places to live in Lancaster but we can't find anything that has a good balance of quality and cost. David gets a bit overwhelmed with all he has to do to be a teacher and coach. A few things work themselves out which would make it more reasonable to live in Tehachapi than Lancaster now. We find a place to live that is under our budget and will be great for our little family.
We were late to our follow-up ultrasound appointment (it was the morning we were moving out of the apartment in Louisville and we didn't get done packing the car in time) so we weren't able to see if the placenta previa was gone. I was a mess. Now I have to find a place to do it in California and not be sure if insurance will cover it. There are midwife issues. The midwife in Fallbrook offers to drive up to birth the baby but I have to do all my prenatal visits up here. That turns out to be difficult with my insurance changing with David's new job. Luckily we're able to meet up in Orange County for a visit and chat.

September- We move into our apartment. Its a town home style so we have 2 bedrooms upstairs with a full bathroom, and the living room and kitchen with a half bath downstairs. It also comes with a garage and a small backyard. BUT it does not have A/C! Being 7-8 months pregnant in an apartment that gets up to 84 degrees inside is miserable. It makes me very irritable. David put up some curtains that help but I can't wait for the weather to cool down.
Trying to find a midwife up here to do my prenatal visits gave me some drama for a day but we got it figured out. Still trying to figure out the ultrasound predicament. I can't help move that much because my feet get sore really fast and my midwife has told me to rest more. Apparently moving across the country and into a new altitude and apartment is hard on a 7 month pregnant body. Who would have thought? Also, I hit the 200lb club with this pregnancy. Ha, I don't mind!

So there you have it. Where are we now? In a little town called Tehachapi in the middle of nowhere with a 40 minute drive to the nearest Target, WalMart, Costco, anything really. Oh, and I don't have a car some days so that's swell. We're not really planning on being here past 2 years. Its nice to be in one place for a little while, make some new friends, be closer to family. It wasn't where we thought we would be but its going to work great for the time we're here. David is working on his networking to find a coaching job that is better suited to him and then hopefully we'll be off to some college somewhere.
I'm basically 35 weeks pregnant and feeling it!
Our next update will probably be the birth story so stay tuned!

Here are some pictures to catch you up

February 9th, 2014

I have been thinking about this blog post for a little while.  Whether or not I should write it; and if I write it, should I share it?  Please forgive me if my thoughts seem everywhere, because they are.

This is the story of how Sunday, February 9th became one of the craziest days of our lives.

Basketball.
It begins a few months ago when David started getting in contact with a couple agents to get ideas about his professional career.  It started out incredibly slow.  Agents responded but they weren't ready to get into full contact until David felt more physically fit.  Then the day came that he felt fit enough to start sending out feelers.  They didn't come back very positive.  Coaches/owners have a hard time hiring someone without recent professional experience who has a prior injury.  That is easy to understand but we need someone to take a chance on David so he can get the professional experience and show that his past injury is nothing to worry about.
We start setting our sights on something maybe a little less competitive than where he could eventually be when given the chance.  We get a little more feedback but still very slow and loaded with hesitation. Its now almost January and we're starting to wonder if it will really happen.  We have graciously been allowed to rent a house at dirt cheap; what a huge blessing for us and a huge service from the owners. We told them we shouldn't need the house past January and now here it comes with no offers in sight. Then around the middle of January we get word that a team in New Zealand is interested in David but there are 2 other options and he is not at the top of the list.  The agent said Daniel and I would not be joining him because they're budget does not have room for our own apartment.  We were told that the coach would be calling us the next week with the results.  2 weeks later we have heard nothing.
Around this time Chris, a current coach at the U who has so graciously been preparing David both physically and logistically for overseas, gave one of his former oversea coaches his recommendation for David.  That coach almost immediately got in contact with David to get his paperwork up and running. He told David to contact the agent that he always works through.  This part became so frustrating.  Between the language barrier, negotiation for David's contract and the agent's fee, and timeline of getting out there we were almost ready to give it all up and wait until the NBA summer league in July. We gave it a lot of thought and just decided to let the agent do his thing.  Its only for a few months and we just need to get this chance rolling.  Once we told the agent this it was about 2 days later (Friday the 7th) that David was given the heads up to be ready to fly out in the next 3-5 days. Sunday comes and he is told that they want him out there ASAP.  After some discussion back and forth about flights the team books his flight for Monday morning at 11:30am.  He's gone!
We finally got our chance! I'm in shock.  I'm so incredibly excited but at the same time I'm a big ball of emotions.  This is our chance!  I can't wait to see what happens from here.  David is one of the smartest, hardest workers I have ever known.  Man that guy knows how to make sure he is ready while keeping his family afloat at the same time.  He deserves all the success in the world.
While he has been in Qatar it has not been easy for him.  It is hard for an American to do business there because we expect things to be done quickly when they are very slow and lax about how they handle their business.  He's trying his best to be polite to their customs while still fighting for what he is worth and showing that he deserves it.  We still don't know if/when we will be joining him since that is also in the mix of questions that have not been answered by the "sit back, relax" attitude they have.  He initially thought that he would have us stay here in the US until he's done in May but after more days passed he realized he doesn't want to go through this without us.  I guess when things appear like they're rolling its not going to be smooth sailing, there will still be hurdles to cross.

Britta.
I wish I could say that I was able to just support David through this journey but I have needed a lot of support myself. Around November it became pretty clear I was having a colitis flare up.  It was pretty uncomfortable as usual but I knew the process of getting it taken care of.  I got the things completed that I needed and started the meds.  It solved the problem like I knew it would.  The only issue we found happened after all the medications were finished.  January 1st I got a positive pregnancy test. I was on birth control.  Oh yeah, my medication was known to decrease the effectiveness of birth control.
My initial reaction was total shock.  We are NOT ready for this! This is about 6 months too soon! Where will we be when we have the baby?  Will David even be able to be with me when I have the baby? I'm not ready for it my individual time with Daniel to end! I don't even have insurance this month!
The next day I asked David to contact a friend in the ward to come over and give me a blessing.  I needed some reassurance and comfort.  The blessing was great.  I received confidence and comfort from it.  Exactly what I needed.  We can do this... somehow.
Then starts the next stage of the emotional roller coaster. Friday (2 days after the positive test) I start bleeding.  Very lightly and not every time I go to the bathroom.  Okay, this is nothing to worry about yet, could just be normal. Saturday night comes around I start cramping a little and but the blood hasn't increased.  Sunday comes around and the pain has gotten a little worse but I'm starting to write it off to a sore leg because I came down in it wrong in one of my workouts. But the pain just escalated throughout the day.  I finally called the on-call doctor and he said to come in first thing on Monday for a blood test. Great, tests while uninsured, this should be a fun bill.  The blood test confirmed I was still pregnant but the level was on the low end of where it should be for my status.  Nothing to worry about yet, we can't make any conclusions from this.
I called my brother Bjorn about it who has a lot of knowledge and who also has a very gentle approach to explaining hard things.  He was so wonderful.  He said it could just be some odd bleeding and everything will be okay or I am in fact miscarrying and everything will still be okay.  My body is doing what it is designed to do to remove an unhealthy pregnancy.  At this point I was (mostly) resolved to whatever would happen.
Wednesday comes for my follow up blood test.  Once I'm home I allow a couple hours for processing then it seemed about every 5 minutes that I'm refreshing my patient portal to see the results.  Finally the results are in and they are clear: I am miscarrying. I shouldn't even have a positive pregnancy test by the next day. My doc calls later to talk it over with me, we talk birth control options, and come to a bit of an impasse because I'm still nursing and I don't have insurance. He tells me to just start the mini pills again when my period returns.  Sounds good to me.
Friday I start bleeding really heavily. Alright, finally the beginning of the end of this emotional roller coaster.  The heavy bleeding lasts for about 3 days.  Then the lingering blood.  Finally that Saturday everything is done.  I can move on, what happiness that brought me!
Life moved on.
We started focusing on basketball and figuring out logistics.  Life is normal again. Trying to prevent without birth control.  We skipped a wide window of when I thought I was ovulating, just to be sure since doc told me to start birth control after my next period.

Sunday, February 9th.
It was about time for my period to return and I had been getting some interesting symptoms the last week or so and I had 1 pregnancy test left from the month before.  David would be leaving, why not just do it?  So first thing that morning I did it.
It was very quickly and very clearly a positive test.  Apparently a lot of women get super fertile right after a miscarriage.

I showed David at 8am.  We just looked at each other with confidence and thought- we've got this.  Our January experience taught us a lot. We came to know that Daniel will be a great older brother, David and I are more ready than we thought, whatever happens we will be taken care of, and a pregnancy takes 9 months so we have some time to figure things out.
Curious about my symptoms? Breast tingling throughout the day/night, smell and food aversions, and smaller bladder control. And within the last couple days: nausea!
Woohoo!
Now we head to church, I have a huge smile on my face.  I sat next to a friend and she asked me what was going on and all I could say was that David was getting very close to finally getting a deal.  That was also true!
We get home and David checks his email to find out that the team in Qatar wants David out there ASAP because they want him to play in Saturday's game.  David calls his boss to see if he can use the Delta stand-by ticket he had offered earlier. David tells his coach about this and the coach ends up booking the flight through the team because stand-by is too much of a gamble. His flight is at 11:30a the next day.  Holy cow he's leaving in less than 12 hours.  This was about 2pm that we find out they have booked the flight and he's leaving immediately.
Bring on the tears! Shock, excitement, sadness, hormones, it all came out at once. He would be gone.  On a flight to the middle east. Without me and Daniel. He got a deal! I'm going to have to pack up the house! Amidst all my blubbering David is running around the house packing.  He needs enough stuff for 3 months.  I try to get a few of his basketball buddies to come and say goodbye. I start crying even more because I realize that his last meal that I'm making him will be breaded tilapia with a salad.  Whoopdee do. This is basically our Valentine's day dinner! Pregnancy hormones seem to make everything a little more dramatic.
Daniel is running around the house wondering what is going on.  He's screaming for me to hold him, nurse him, get all the snacks out for him, throw every ball to him, etc. I get flustered because I'm trying to enjoy these last moments together and the screaming and crying really doesn't help.  Finally I take the time to give Daniel a comfort nurse and he changes to his loving, kind version and we're finally able to enjoy our evening together.
I'm taking as many pictures of the two boys together as I can for David's iPad mini. We get Daniel into bed and I am exhausted.
We cuddle up to watch the Olympics and I almost fall asleep before our friends come over to give us both a blessing before David leaves.
My what a day.  That was exhausting just writing about it.

So now David is gone, the house is packed up and empty again, our stuff is in storage in Mesquite, NV, and I'm staying with my parents in Fallbrook until we get more information from David about whether we will be joining him or not.

This last week was full of tears, exhausting, and a lot more screaming from Daniel that is normal. I'm hoping to get him on his "schedule" so he can have a bit of normalcy and be my happy loving boy.  He was so confused.  It is quite special to see Daniel talk to David on FaceTime.  He is ready to kiss him right there on the screen and will talk about all his balls and stickers then very cutely give a "bye-bye" and "I-you-you".  He misses his daddy.  You can tell when he has a father figure around him, he just gravitates toward them.

There you have it.  The day our lives changed a lot, but all for the better.

My honest thoughts on baby #2

I have started to get questions or hints regarding when the next baby will come.  I mostly laugh it off or change the subject because to be completely honest I am entirely not ready for another child.

Its not you, its me.

Daniel is a wonderful child.  He is curious, loving, and is doing what he should be doing at his age.

The hesitation lies with me.  I’m still so very tired at times.  I haven’t found my groove as a mother.  I enjoy it being just the two of us.  I simply cannot handle another tiny, needy human being for a little while.

There are many things that Daniel still needs to learn and exhibit before I think I will be ready for the next one.  I don’t mind taking time for him to grasp new concepts by waiting longer for a new baby.

Motherhood is not what I thought it would be

Comparing yourself to others is human nature and I am guilty of it. 

I am not that mom who has a cooked dinner every night.  Sometimes its leftovers, sometimes it’s a great meal, and sometimes I just don’t care enough so David makes dinner.

I struggle with letting go of my personal space.  Daniel loves to force himself into my personal space and I don’t always let him.

I don’t have wonderful activities on hand or planned everyday, sometimes not even every other day.  Pretty much everyday I wing it.  We usually have a couple books we read, some dancing time, and a walk.  Maybe we’ll focus on playing with balls one day but I really lack in motivation for new ways of teaching and learning.

In these things I tend to feel like a bad mother.  I do not feel like I’m doing enough for Daniel.  I’ve tried getting treated for depression, tested for thyroid problems, taking a social media detox, and ultimately just brainstorming what will help turn me around.  I’m still waiting for my magic answer.

Not to mention there are a majority of days when I don’t take a shower or change out of my pajamas.  Luckily going to the gym more has forced me to change and shower.

I keep waiting for the next milestone

Daniel has always struggled with sleep.  So I figured when he would start sleeping better I would start feeling better.  Well, the last three nights he as slept straight through from 7:30-7:30 and had a decent hour and a half to two hour nap in the afternoon.  How do I feel?  I’ve been sick so I’ve secluded myself to the couch watching him play with his toys only getting up for snacks and nap time.  I’m still waiting for that ability to be the poster mom while being exhausted at the same time.

Daniel does not have any coherent words besides “ya” and “no”.  I go through the day knowing he is asking for something but having no idea what it is.  Going through trial and error with a simple question of what he wants next is exhausting and frustrating for me.  Not only this but I blame myself everyday for his lack of words.  It’s a vicious cycle.  I’m not doing enough for him- I try a few days- Lose motivation- he doesn’t pick up a new word- its my fault- so on and so on.

Daniel is mischievous and he knows it.  He LOVES getting into things he shouldn’t be and when I catch him he throws it down and tries to play cool.  He knows he shouldn’t be doing it but he does it anyway because he is just so curious.  Most of the time I don’t mind but I have no idea how to guide him to knowing how to control his impulses.  There are times when I have raised my voice and I always regret it.  In these moments I truly feel like I am not cut out to be a mother.

Daniel loves his mama very much

He gets very jealous when I’m playing with other babies or children.  He will either beg for me to hold him, physically move my head to look at him, or even get to the point where he will nudge the other child out of the way.

He is my special boy and I like it being just the two of us right now.

I think eventually I will come around to being okay with having another human being to take care of.  Right now my hands are full with trying to take care of myself and Daniel that I can’t even fathom adding another into the mix.

This is not a response to anything specific.  More it’s a response to future questions I am bound to receive on the topic. 

What You Probably Don't Understand About My Activism

It is National Breastfeeding Awareness month!  I was so excited for August to roll around because we get to celebrate something that has become so very dear to me.  I did my research to find out otherwise lesser known facts about the topic and was so excited to post a fun fact everyday.  It really is eye opening to see just the complexities that goes into a woman’s body.  I can’t understand the full extent of it but God really had a plan and intelligence.

Now before you get offended, because I know some of you are, I do not mean to say that God intended children to starve because there is the 3-4% of women that cannot breastfeed, that women should all be able to get pregnant.  Goodness sakes, no!  We have options now; viable options for those that are otherwise unable to.

I do appreciate the “I Support You” movement.  It is necessary.  I do support you!  My only negative feeling about it is that I do feel it undermines the celebration of this month.  All women should be celebrated for doing their best.  This month is specifically dedicated to breastfeeding and bringing awareness to how complex, difficult, wonderful, life giving, expansive, and how in need breastfeeding women are of support.  By supporting breastfeeding and pointing out the benefits of it, I am not insulting formula feeding.  This seems to be a never-ending opinion.  That by somehow pointing out the benefits of breastfeeding I am somehow pointing out the flaws of formula feeding.  Not true!

The mothers I know are all wonderful.  They all do their very best for their children.  They do not all breastfeed but that is not what makes them wonderful mothers.  What makes them wonderful mothers is researching and taking what knowledge they find and doing their best to apply it.  We can not, for the most part, change what our bodies allow us to do.  We have to do our best with what we are given.

I aim to support mothers that breastfeed.  To let them know they do not have to feel alone, sequestered, or ashamed.  I want to educate future mothers that do wish to breastfeed.  That there are numerous benefits, it is difficult, you will need help, that it is a learned skill.  This does not mean that I think those that chose the alternative are not equally great mothers. 

There is a lot of misinformation out there concerning breastfeeding.  It has become such a political topic that even medical professionals are starting to become politically correct about how they discuss it.  Science does not worry about offending, only people do.

If supporting breastfeeding mothers and nursing in public makes me a feminist, great!  Feminism doesn’t have to mean I am an angry, crotchety, Godless woman that does not need a man.  It means that I stand up for women that are otherwise being discriminated against for their choices when that choice happens to be a wonderful one.  I absolutely need and love my husband.  I wouldn’t be the woman or mother I am today without his support.

I do feel like I have lost the support of close friends and family.  I am affected by it, but I can not let it change my goal.  I do feel like I am working towards a positive change, a difference that needs to be made.  I won’t stop.  Unfortunately that will mean the loss of others, but it will mean I will gain support from others that agree with me.  It is my fault for picking a topic that happens to be controversial.  It is their fault for looking past the whole of me to be offended and uncomfortable by a part of what I do.  I’m not going to apologize for following my heart and my spirit.

I hope I have explained to those that have become offended or uncomfortable my views.  I’m sure some will not even bother to read this because it mentions the word “breastfeeding” in the first sentence and will likely be followed by some sort of “here she goes again” thought.  I do not feel I need to explain myself, but it is out of love and a hopeful mutual understanding that I do it.  I don’t want my family and friends to lose out on seeing my wonderful son grow up or my amazing husband realize his goals because they cannot get past my activism.

My passion comes from my heart and my spirit.  Is a fire that has started and will not be stopped.  I can promise you this.

The August Family Update

Here is a little update on the Fosters.  Things are definitely complicated right now.  Our plan and Heavenly Father’s plan definitely isn’t the same but we’re doing our best to align them.

Daniel is still doing as great as ever.  He is learning and growing perfectly.  He has finally gotten the hang of one long nap.  He still wakes up once at night to nurse but I’m so used to it now that I can handle it.  He has gotten into being very independent when it comes to eating.  Sometimes he won’t even try something until I hand him a fork and spoon.  He is a great climber, is still wildly obsessed with anything that resembles a ball, and loves to swim.  He is very loving and thoughtful for a boy just barely 15 months.  He is incredibly active and has a mind of his own which can make church interesting.  Is it really 3 more months until nursery??  He is very observant and does great at mimicking.  That is where he learns the most.  We sure do love this wonderful son we have!

David was given the green light to get back into basketball shape awhile back so we are still working on pursuing his goal of playing professional ball for a little while.  It has been a slower process than we hoped, but we are trucking along.  We were hoping to have an idea of our future plans by the end of this month but that is not possible anymore.  After discussing his ideas and plans with someone who recently finished his professional basketball career our plans have changed.  We are now going to take as long as needed for David to be fully prepared to try out for teams.  This means we will be staying in SLC because he has vast amounts of resources here.  While the resources are our goal, this is not as easy as it sounds.  Currently David has a part time job and I am being phased out of my part time job.  We can no longer afford our apartment since rent has gone up significantly when our contract ended and we are now paying month to month.  We are currently asking many around us if they know of anyone with a basement apartment, someone with a vacant house, an older couple going on a mission, SOMETHING that will help us cut on expenses so we can follow this dream.  It has been a hard realization for us but we have many that would like to help and after discussing it with a few people and David, we are hopeful something will arise.  I am ready for some stability and fun, adversity has been my longtime companion these last two years.  So world, if you would like to join in on the cause, we would love some help finding some temporary housing for this small (in numbers) family of ours.  We are hoping to know by November what the next step is so the housing would probably be needed until November or December.

Now me.  I have been struggling a lot with our current predicament but David and I are very good at discussing our concerns with each other.  He has helped me realize that we are doing our best in every other aspect so we can only do our best in this and see what happens.  We can not allow ourselves to get ahead of the situation.  When he comes home with new ideas and plans after discussing it with coaches and supporters I only get more motivated that something will eventually happen.  Even if it means our faith will be tried even more.  Of course I have terrible days when I have to cry for a little about it all.  What we are going through is not ideal.  We are using our savings to pay everything else but rent.  This includes COBRA for me, car payments, school loan payments, food, utilities, and the now rare occurrence when we like to indulge ourselves with a meal out or a dollar movie.  I have to admit that I am not good at being poor and managing situations like this.  I don’t want to worry about getting my favorite pizza from Whole Foods or my favorite burrito from Chipotle, but I DO worry.  Luckily Daniel is such a light in my life that I do end up finding myself smiling a lot during the day.  He doesn’t care if he’s walking around with only a diaper on all day because I forgot to do his laundry again.  He doesn’t care that my hair is in a ponytail pretty much everyday.  He doesn’t care that his summertime fun isn’t the water park, it’s the park across the street.  I have to view myself through his eyes when I have terrible days.  To him I am the world.  I am his comfort, food, love, learning, fun, and he isn’t complaining so why should I?

I am definitely not the best at it and I have had some ugly cry days but today I am hopeful.  I have the love and support of the two most important people in my life.  We work through things together.  We will get through this even if it means a few more grey hairs for me.  We have a wonderful ward that is concerned for us, friends and supporters that want to help us follow our dream, family that have reached out to help us in whatever way we let them know we need.  We will get through this!  Then hopefully when we do and Europe is our future then I will have lots of lovely adventures and pictures to post about.

If you would like to help or would just love to send your support, we would really appreciate it.   

Sleep!

Pretty ironic that I was planning on writing this today then right as I sit down Daniel starts protesting his nap.

Sleep has finally gotten better!  It only took 14 months.  We are still at 2 naps a day, one of which I hold him, but that time he is in the crib is usually about 1.5 hours.  Me time!!

Nights are improving A LOT.  We were at a consistent schedule where he would go down at 8, wake up at 4am to eat, go back down until 8.  We are better, even though there is still some work to do.  Now he goes down at 8, tries to open the door for 20 minutes, then falls asleep and usually doesn't wake up until 6:30am.  The problem here is he won't go back to sleep after 6:30.  So right now we're working on trying to get him down earlier so he can get closer to 10 hours or he will get super cranky at about 8:30.

We will get the hang of it eventually!

Sleeping pictures: